Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Plan to be spontaneous-tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.